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Tuesday, 06 October 2009

  • Reality

    Reality is relative

    In this world people have many perspectives of whats real and whats not. Most of the time what we believe to be real is in actuality false. Its because we try so hard to blemish or shield ourselves from truth that reality is relative.

    I always feel like I'm being something someone else wants me to be and I go along with it because I don't want people to know my truth, to know the real me. I often prefer solitude because of it. People always say they want truth or they want to know the real you but when they see the real you and hear the truth they don't like what they see or cant accept it. I don't like feeling ashamed or hating myself because people don't like my truth or can't accept it.

    Everyone has a dark side or a part of them they don't want others to know about. No one is 100% open and those who act as if they are or even claim they are are usually doing so to keep other people from seeing or even suspecting that they aren't as open as they're claim to be.

    I'm all flustered and angry because my privacy was invaded for the 3rd time by my significant other and for the 3rd time they didn't like what they found. The first time it hurt me the most because I was so caught off guard I felt raw, exposed and violated. It was like my diary was read and all my private thought made public without my permission. They were so upset by what they saw and demanded an immediate explanation and all I could draw up in my mind was blanks. It wasn't their business and was never supposed to be their business so I felt even more violated for being demanded to explain. This was something I never told a soul about, not even my mother. It was something that I felt ashamed about but helpless about as well because it was my truth my dark truth. Even thinking about it now bothers me. What is the most disturbing thing is that I never wanted anyone to know and if that were to change I wanted it to be my choice. Now the only one to know is someone that I never chose to tell and that will always bug me because my choice was obliterated and they person will always know my dark truth.

    It's so much easier to be myself when I'm alone or with people that accept me without question or explanation. People who don't need for every aspect of my life or who I am to be explained. Those who, most of all respect my privacy and whatever i choose to keep private. From this I am beginning to understand a good friend of mine and why she is so private and why she sees relationships as something that's no to much her thing. I give so much of myself in every way that I can to people I care about they always want more. I feel like an apple tree that just gets picked at and picked at and no one replenishes. I feel obligated to help and take care of the people I care about even when it leaves me empty

    I'm in a relationship with someone I care deeply about but I'm not sure in what way I care. I know I care about their well-being and their satisfaction/happiness in life I want to bring them happiness and show them that they are beautiful inside and out and deserve the best. I realize though that I can't make people love themselves and believe in themselves. I'm not responsible for someone's happiness I can't make someone be or do anything, they have to want it themselves. I need to stop trying and stop feeling like its my responsibility. I need to stop letting them project their insecurities and previous relationship baggage into our relationship. Its eating away at me and the relationship. If it weren't then this problem would be obsolete.

    That's really all I have to say about this for the time being. Till next time I have some serious thinking to do.

Saturday, 25 July 2009

  • It's All in Your Opinion

    Early Friday morning after getting in from work my girlfriend brought to my attention a facebook users status message which read:

    "Barack Obama said he didn't have all the details regarding the Gates/Crowley incident yet called the Cambridge Police Department's actions "stupid" and made a comment that racism is still alive in America, thus, implying racism was present in this case. Now how does that make any sense? And why is he commenting on this in the first place!?!?"

    As I'm sure many would wonder what kind of attention such a status message would receive. Well it received a good deal of attention negative and positive; some people leaving extensive responses and/or short comments. Some statements angered me, some made me think and some simply saddened me. In stead of simply reacting and continuing this back and forth drama of why the Gates/Crowley issue was or wasn't wrong, racist or anything else, I simply stated my opinion in the most honest and respectable way I could.

    This individual said "[Obama] feels he can make a judgment call like this AFTER he fully admitted he did not have all of the facts!? That's feeding into people who get their jollies from screaming racism." My response to this users comments up to this point was this; President Obama was asked a question by a member of the press and that question was "What does [Gates arrest in his own home] say to you; and what does it say about race relations in America." Obama chose at that point to respond with his opinion (which in the Great USA he has every right to do so, regardless of his title of President) and in his statement he said: Skip Gates is a friend so he may be a little biased, he doesn't know all the facts but his understanding (based off of what's been reported) is that gates was arrested for disorderly conduct in his own home after having already proved, by show of identification, that he did in fact live there. He later states that not having been there at the time of the incident and not having all the facts, he "[does not] know what role race played [in the incident], but it's fair to say that:

    1. Any of us would be pretty angry.
    2. The Cambridge Police acted stupidly in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home.
    3. What I think we know separate and apart from this incident, is that there is a long history in this country of African-American and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately; that's just a fact..."

    Now by stating that there is a history of disproportional racial interactions between Law Enforcement and Latinos and African-Americans does not mean that he was saying racism was present in the Gates/Crowley incident. When mulling this over I ask you to refer back to the previous quote from President Obama.

    Whether or not President Obama should have stated his opinion of such a heated incident after admitting he didn't have all the facts can be looked at favorable in any direction. Some people may not care, some may be angry/disappointed/ect and some may be glad/supportive/ect. In my opinion to be upset that he made a statement having not had all the facts is contradicting oneself because it is exactly what everyone is doing right down to the flippin' media. This notion alone is because in the United States of America there is this thing called Freedom of Speech and it applies to every American (even the President if you can believe that). Let us also not forget that President Obama (like all of us) is human and as so he is capable of making mistakes and having bad judgment. I don't believe his making a statement was a bad judgment decision, however, I am pointing out the fact that it is possible that it could have been and that being the President doesn't make him immune to making those decisions.

    This certain facebook user later makes a comment that I have turned over again and again in my brain because something about it bothered me. The individual, in response to another comment, states "_______ and I went to the same school. We're equal" (the individual referred to as _______ is a biracial male who is part African and part German). That comment bothered me in such a way I had to take the time to think about it so that when I described what about it bothered me, I'd be able to do so properly.

    The users comment appeared to me as thought he/she was saying that because they went to school they were equal. Not Quite!!! As this user had previously states that she was not only a women but also homosexual and disabled therefore knew what it was like being judged, it said to me that she didn't quite accurately state the point she was trying to make. As a homosexual this individual should know that we are NOT all equal. Just because you go to school, live in the same neighborhood or eat at the same restaurants with people of different creeds, races, and colors does not mean we are all equal. There are still Muslims treated unfairly because the stereotypes or being terrorists associated with their identity. Most of the US states still refuse to allow same-sex couples to wed because of this country's religious traditions and the belief that marriage is solely between a man and a women; treating them as second class citizens and not giving them the same rights as every other heterosexual American. Single adults have a hard time adopting/fostering children and sometimes are even flat out denied because discriminatory activist who want to stop homosexuals from raising children, thus far affecting all single people hetero and homosexuals alike.

    I can go on forever about the inequalities in the USA alone. Yes, the facebook user was correct when she stated "Life is a gray area" things can’t always be put into categories of specific classifications nor are they always as cut and dry as they appear to be. With that said why don't we ALL as people listen to our own arguments? We don't know the facts surrounding the Gates/Crowley incident, we don't know anymore than Obama did because we, just as he did, only know what was reported in the media. So if you (whoever you may be) feel that Obama should not have made the statement, well neither should you right? If life is a gray area is it really so hard to believe that maybe the incident was fueled by race? Is it so hard to believe that maybe it was just a misunderstanding on the part of both parties? How about maybe you (who ever you are) are reading just as far into the incident as you accuse the next person. We shouldn't be too quick to assume that this is a case of racism, BUT we also shouldn't be too quick to assume that it isn't.







    Note from the Author:
    This note/blog is not meant to offend the facebook user I speak of nor is it to offend anyone else for that matter. I just felt the need to speak out on the issue because everywhere I went it kept presenting itself and the reactions I was hearing/reading were bringing up feeling good and bad and I wanted to do something constructive with those feelings. I have done my best to be as articulate, honest and respectful as possible. I have also tried my best to avoid as many spelling and grammatical errors as possible. Feel free to message me with your own response or any questions you may have about anything I have said here (especially if you don't understand something I'm saying). My only request when posting responses or messaging me is that you are respectful of my opinion and the opinion of others, but most of all respect yourself.
    Lastly, below you will find the link to the video of President Obama's statement that sparked the need to post this blog.

     

Wednesday, 07 January 2009

  • Currently
    The Host: A Novel
    By Stephenie Meyer
    see related

    Coming out of the Closet

    [Prelude] This all stats with a phone call I received from my mom @ roughly 9am. I sent her a christmas card and I guess it said something like 'even thought we don't agree on everything and talk as much anymore I still love you and appreciate you.' So when she called me today she was telling me how much she loves me, misses me and doesn't want me to push aside my family. During this call she started crying and said she had to go because it wasn't her intention to call me and cry. (*Warning* - This may be long winded)

    [Background Info] I was raised in very religious family both parents and extended family are all so very religious. So needless to say all I knew if the world was right and wrong as declared by the Bible and my family and churches interpretations of it. Sophomore year of high school I went from a lower class high school with high crime, drop out, and teen pregnancy rates to a new arts school where students auditioned to be considered for enrollment in a theater, visual art, dance or music major. The school was also very diverse, I got my first introduction to open homosexuals and transgenders. I didn't understand how someone could be attracted to the same sex or want to be a sex different to the one they were born as; not to mention it went against EVERYTHING I was raised to believe.

    I was to say the least extremely Homophobic growing increasingly so as over time. The school was so accepting of homosexuals that teachers would stoop to pathetic gossiping over who was a closeted homo. Any feminine boy or masculine girl/tomboy was suspected. Over time as my friendships with people grew -some of those people being homosexual- I developed a "whatever" attitude to the lifestyle. Also around this time my best friend came out to me; he was scared I would reject him. He was my best friend and no matter what I would never turn my back on him.

    College came around and with that came new experiences. Nearing the end of my freshman year I agreed to go out wth some friends; one of which was a lesbian. The decision was made to hit the nearby gay club, and it was there that I discoverd myself. I saw two girls dancing and one looked so attractive, it was like she blurred the lines between male and female; it was in the moment that I wanted to be the one she danced with. I wanted to know more about her. After that night I began to question my life and who I was; it didnt take long after that for me to realize I was a Lesbian. I spent a ton of time in GLBT centers coming to terms and learning to be comfortable in my skin.

    I met my first girlfriend and first love sophmore year of college at that time only my closest friends knew I was a Lesbian; I hadnt found the courage to tell my family. In that year my best friend got married and I went to his wedding, it was beautiful. My mom new and assumed it was a female he used to date, I felt no need to correct her because his sexuality was not my right to disclose. One day while on the way to visit who my mom believe was my friend she began to question me repeatedly about my bestfriends marriage and finally I caved and told her he had married a man. when she threw the question at me asking would I tell her if I was to ever marry a women, I replied "no." She went on to tell me she hopped I would because she as my mom and would love me regardless and in calling her bluff I told her 'right now your taking me to my girlfriends house.' That was how I came out to my mom.

    [Present Day] My famly still doesn't agree with the life I lead and it has caused many disagreements, many awkward moments and pushed us apart. The biggest problem these days is the stressed relationship between my family and my girlfriend. I love her beyond words but my family has a hard time accepting her and she has a hard time dealing with their ignorance. It has created some problems and thats what lead to my moms phone call today. It hurt hearing her cry but at the same time it hurts to fell the tension in the air and hear the ignorant comments when I bring my girlfriend around my family. Im at a crossroad unaware which way to go, or what to do.

Sunday, 21 December 2008

  • Currently
    The Santa Clause 3 - The Escape Clause
    By Tim Allen, Elizabeth Mitchell, Eric Lloyd, Judge Reinhold, Wendy Crewson
    see related

    Who I Am

    Yay I'm finally sitting down and taking a moment to post my first blog in my return to xanga. Man I can't believe I left this place because I love blogging and sure as hell missed it. But I think I left because I didnt really have much to say or at least nothing meaningfull, just ranting and randomness. Funny too because thats probably what I will be doing now I just think things I blog will be more meaningful this time around.

    OK so let me get to the point. I wanted to post about who I am as I believe myself to be. Mostly as a response to LyricallyCharged's post asking her recent friend requestees (is that even a word?) who they were, but also because I thought it would be a great first post. So lets dig in shall we?

    Who are you?   I am Joanne
    When?  23
    Where?  Boston, Massachusetts
    What makes you, you?  I think the circumstances in my life, the way I was raised all the trials and tribulations, past and present experiences are what make me who I am. My humor, personability and open-mindedness help too.
    What do you love?  Life, love, beauty, people, friends, family, and fun.
    What do you hate?  Intolerance, closed-mindedness, ignorance, hate and I think thats it.
    What do you stand for?  Love, fairness, equal rights umm thats all for now.
    What do you stand against?  Discrimination, oppression, inequality
    What makes you cry?  Discrimination, inequality, devestations across foreign countries ugh it all makes my eart heavy.
    What makes you laugh?  sometimes anything and everything, good jokes, corney moments, funny faces, awkward and embarrasing moments.
    What's your deep and darkest hidden secrets?  I am not the great person that everyone thinks I am
    Why do I Blog? I blog because I think there are times when I have deep profound thoughts and questions and I what to share them with as many people as I can and get their feedback, determine if other people have the same thoughts, ideas, or opinions. And sometimes I just think I need to share those thoughts with others because maybe it will give them a new perspective.

    That seems to be all I have to say for now. Till next time. Have a lovely Holiday Season.

Thursday, 18 December 2008

  • Hi everyone! I'm just getting returning to Xanga after a long hiatus and with a new start... Drop me a comment if you've got some ideas on what to do first, what's new - or just to say, "Hi!"

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  • Visit Jd_ImMe's Xanga Site
    • Name: Jd_ImMe
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 12/18/2008

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About Me

  • What can I say? I love to be random, strange and crazy. I even like to put smiles on peoples faces. Humor, adventure, reading and, music and movies are my drugs of choice. Believe me when I say I will not be the person you might expect me to be, in fact most of the time I will be the complete opposite. So judge me not, or judge me heavily; your choice. =D

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